How to (ac)count?

Alright, I know I can't be the only person out there with this problem. When I encounter the dreaded "how many sexual partners" question on medical forms, from friends, or when I'm looking to simply renew my birth control prescription, the answer is so much more complicated than a simple number.

First, is the question of who, exactly, they consider a "sexual partner." If it's penetration, that's one thing. If it's mutual touching of naughty bits, that's another. If it's touching at all, that's a third. Then you have the question of limits. I mean, by the technical definition of "intercourse" anything I do with another woman is out. Unless there's a strap-on involved?

Then, you have the Clerks-like question of where does oral sex, both given and received, fall in? Then what about the group situations? For example, if I'm on the bed, with one person eating me out, one person playing with my top half, another kissing me, and one person supporting each of my legs and watching, how exactly does one propose I "count" that?

Or, if there is more than a year between hookups with the same person?

Or, what if you hook up with someone pre-gender reassignment surgery, and then post?

I admit, I've considered an Excel sheet. I do have a list that is 80% mental, 20% randomly jotted notes in a carefully-guarded notebook. I know full well I am far from the most active person out there. But that dreaded single-number question gives no wiggle room and no room for explanation. I'm not trying to weasel out of what I've actually done - I'm just trying to figure out how to answer that damnable question!